Don't Blink

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink
~Kenny Chesney

It is so crazy that you can have an intention to do something and never get to it. It seems crazy enough that it as taken me a year and a half to actually sit down, type a post, and hit publish. Seeing pictures of life in the last post makes that time feel so very far away. That baby in those pictures is not a baby anymore. I always tell the boys they will both always be my babies but the truth is here in print that my youngest baby is not a baby. That time has vanished.

My grandpa died in September.  He had been declining in his health for a long time and I feel I was as prepared for this as you can expect to be. We had actually had a few goodbye conversations over the last year. This was my first time losing someone big in my life. I guess I'm pretty lucky to make it 33 years before having to say goodbye to someone who meant so much to me.

Looking back, I realize I put some distance there to ease myself into this loss. That makes me cry. Life added the distance as it naturally does when you grow up, move away, get married, move away again, and have babies. I've thought about what this loss would have been like if it had happened when he was a part of my everyday. That would have surely been much harder. I can't imagine the impact if I hadn't gotten to slowly ease away from this very important man. Grandpa was not comfortable the last part of his life. He was in pain and wanted more than anything to go to heaven. He would sometimes wonder why he had to stay and suffer. Maybe it was so the people he loved wouldn't have to. It eased our pain to have him here and slowly out. I wish I would have thought to tell him that when he was still here. I can see him shaking his head in response now.

I got to be there the last day. It was really wonderful. I took care of him. I helped him up when he wanted up. I made sure he had the things he needed, like Vicks rubbed on his nose. I held his hand and slept beside him all night. I helped keep him clean and comfortable. I used all of the skills I learned 15 years ago as a nurse assistant working in a nursing home. I talked to the hospice nurse. I read a book she gave me about what dying would look like and then I read it out loud to everyone else so we would all be on the same page. Moments later we watched what I had just read happen right before our eyes.